I took this picture a few weeks ago when I finished moving in. It was a Big Deal. And as much as I rail against the culture of neatness (who cares if I made my bed?? I’m just going to sleep in it again tonight!), it really does make me feel good when my room is neat and clean. The flowers are from the market and make the place additionally lovely (especially since this bouquet used basil as filler, yum!). The funny part is many months ago I was having a psycho night, cleaned my room, bought flowers, and took a picture just like this except it was nighttime so it was darker and my lamp was glowy. I took the photo on my phone and sent it to my friend who had helped talk me through the crazy, and it stayed on my phone so I would remember the peace of the place and also the simplicity of just doing what’s in front of you. So it seemed like a good picture to blog with tonight.
It’s because I’m crazy today. The instigator du jour was one of my roommates, who can be a little nutso. She is a good woman and I like her well enough but her particular bad habits can really drive me mad. A mutual friend pointed out that I’m right, but I’m way overreacting. Roomie’s behavior is dumb and unreasonable, but I was about to have a coronary over this thing today. In fact, don’t even wonder about what the thing was. It’s not even fun. It’s just typical roommate bullshit with a little dash of passive aggression tossed in there. Not much actual drama at all. But she pushes my specific buttons and I was livid. And then I went through this other series of emotions while my friend talked me down (she’s a work friend and she drives me home, and this was all in a response to an email I got during work shh. anyway there was plenty of time to go over it). And it was horrible.
And it came to this: I can deal with it or I can move. I have a whole set of horrible horrible emotions that go along with this (mostly along the line of sheer frustration because it’s not my fault and it’s not fucking fair) but those emotions don’t really change anything for me. I may have the moral upper hand, but that doesn’t really mean anything in terms of my life. All there is, is this: I deal with it, or I move. There’s just no way around it. And once I accepted that, things got better. I don’t feel good about the whole thing, but once I realized I had two choices, and these were they, everything seemed manageable. What’s the worst that could happen? I have to move. And I realized that didn’t sound so bad. I love where I live but it’s by no means the only place I could live. In fact if I moved, there’s a whole world of opportunity that opens up to me. I came home and looked at craigslist. Now, I’m not seriously considering moving, but it’s nice to know it’s there if I need it.
Alternatively I can deal with it, which will blow. I mean, I can put my panic aside and problem-solve. And I dread it and it will be difficult but in the end things will be better. I think that’s another note on the bedroom pic — I can fight cleaning all I want to but I know I feel better when it’s done. So I might as well do it now and not spend so much time and energy dreading it.
And I guess this is what settling in is. I don’t know why I have such a hard time with this topic. I guess I never knew what the hard parts would be, or even that there would be hard parts. What’s so hard about staying in one place? That should be awesome, right? And I think this is a lot of what it comes down to. If I can deal with it or move, I’ve always chosen moving. Or known that it was on the horizon so I could manage for a short time. And it’s not that I haven’t had to deal with stuff, I have, but I definitely could freely exercise the option to ignore. So, yeah. It sounds so simple but it’s kind of a big deal.
In related news, here’s my list of goals-for-my-house that I wrote in October:
- Be neat-ish
- Go to the farmers market
- Do yoga
- Go to museums, cultural events, hangs
- Read books
- Go to trader joe’s
- Window shop
- Make art
- Light candles
- Go for walks
- Play music
- Make my bed (sometimes)
- Drink coffee or tea in the mornings, over breakfast, before I leave for work
- Make challah french toast
- Wake up before 10 on weekends
- Get out of the city
YAY! So that means time for a new list. Soon.